Thursday, December 04, 2003

Procrastination - Apparently I'm INTJ, or ISTJ, depending on what mood the tester's in.
The Results:
Introverted (I) 59.38% Extroverted (E) 40.63%
Sensing (S) 50% Intuitive (N) 50%
Thinking (T) 60.98% Feeling (F) 39.02%
Judging (J) 60% Perceiving (P) 40%

INTJ - "Mastermind". Introverted intellectual with a preference for finding certainty. A builder of systems and the applier of theoretical models. 2.1% of total population.
ISTJ - "Trustee". Decisiveness in practical affairs. Guardian of time-honoured institutions. Dependable. 11.6% of total population.

The former sounds more like me, and has the added advantage of people subconsciously adding "criminal" in front.

Now what else was there?
Search engine fun - strangely the guy who typed "jonny wilkinson gay" was using an Australian ISP. Lots more people looking for ads, and even ad agencies, including searching for "LLOYDS BANK MUSIC FILM AMELIE". Which is great, apart from the ads that copy Amelie aren't for Lloyds (can't remember who they are for though, so obviously effective).
And it being nearly Christmas (well ok so any time after June is) people searching for certain shop of small things - and for the person who wanted Hawkin's Bazaar in Exeter - from Debenham's and Waterstone's it's on your left going west down the High Street, in the same row as Next, it's in the shop where Dolcis was (last time I saw it, the door handles still Dolcis on). From the Cathedral end, go up the High Street, and it's some where on the right after where Castle Street (round jewellers) comes in. I think, but I haven't been down there in ages. Unless they've moved.

Green Fairy on the insanity of pre-Christmas school rituals - Christingles, although I'm sure they were called pomanders.
Take an orange, assorted bits of ribbon and sparkly stuff.
Using PVA glue, stick assorted trimming to said fruit.
Discover that whilst PVA may stick rulers to the table, and children to chairs, it won't stick to oily fruit.
Try again using much more glue.
Discover that the colour from both the ribbon and the sparkly stuff dissolves in the glue, so everything has blue rings round it (but the ribbon's red, how's that work?).
Repeat until there are 3 ribbons loops round the orange, all crossing at right angles.
Put to one side to dry.
Notice the ribbons are falling off, so repeat gluing process until the ribbons are too stiff to move.
Take one cocktail stick, and stick it through the top of the orange, where two ribbons cross.
Break cocktail stick as the bit where the orange was attached to the tree is too hard (what is the name of that little pellet?).
Turn upside, and try again on the opposite cross.
succeed to penetrate skin. Now try to ram the other half of the cocktail stick into a small candle.
Find candle wax to be hard, and push the rest of the stick into the orange (if you're really lucky it'll be at an angle and come out through the side of the orange, usually right where you hand is).
Ignoring the lost cocktail stick, work another into the base of a candle.
Discover that despite the aid of pairs of compasses, scissors and anything else you consider useful, the most you can get in before it breaks is about 1 cm.
Your teacher will now help you, by inventing some contraption of hot bits of coat-hanger wire, to bore deep holes up from the base of the candle.
Using the pre-made hole, insert another cocktail stick into the candle.
Insert the other end of the stick through the hole in the base of the orange.
Cover the exposed areas of the orange with cloves, by pushing the stalks of the dried buds through the skin.
Find human skin is weaker than orange skin.
Discover dried bits of plant are quite brittle, and create a small slag heap of broken cloves.
Repeatedly impale the orange on the pointy bit of a pair of compasses.
Ram cloves into the newly made holes.
Turn over to cover the other side.
Ignoring the third of the cloves that just fell out, repeat to fill the other hemisphere.
Turn back over to reinsert the now sticky cloves.
Repeat until all holes are filled, possibly using concrete formed of clove-based detritus in a PVA binder as filler.
Now either insert four fruit laden cocktail sticks, or four assorted bits of greenery, at 45 degrees, at the mid point between the equator band, and the candle pole. This being done in usually Late November, or early December, the greenery available is likely to consist of two bits of holly with slug damage, one very stragglely and near dead bit of ivy, and bit of miscellaneous greenery (as there is never enough ivy), whose common name is "the prickliest bush known to mankind". If using fruits, dried fruits are preferable, as the traditional troika of an apple chunk, with a slice of banana, and topped with a grape is not well regarded for it's ability to stay fresh and lacking in mould. The middle fruit on the poles of dried fruit should preferably be unidentifiable.
You have now finished making your pomander, and should now leave it on a windowsill in an erratically heated room for at least a fortnight. During this time the orange will being to decay, oozing sticky fluid. A grey-green mould will cover some of the surface on the orange beneath the cloves. Near the end of the rest period, the orange will begin to dry, and stabilise, having obtained a flattened base that results in a 30 degree list of the candle.
Glue back on any parts that have separated during this period.
You should now either use your pomander in a tedious ceremony in the school hall, whilst walking down the aisle[1] of a borrowed private school chapel singing "Once in royal David's city", or in your own act created by your over-joyed parents (preferably whilst simultaneously watching Blue Peter, with one parent doing the crossword).
You will undoubtedly discover that spiky misshapen globes, with occasional squidgy and sticky bits, are not the easiest things to hold for a long time. Especially when being dripped on with molten wax.
To overcome the wax problem one may use a paper frill, or a silver foil mince pie container to create a collar containing the wax. The wax will still continue to leak, and the foil cup will hasten the melting of the upper section of the candle, whereas the paper will absorb some wax, and then burn very well.
You may also discover that assorted bits of wax coated cocktail stick work well as wicks and dramatically increase the flame size and rate of burning. You may then notice that assorted dried shrubbery, sugar coated dried fruits, glue hardened ribbon, oil rich cloves and dried orange skin will all burn well, often with fierce spitting.

[1] Although if you get the right chapel you can glide all the way (being dressed in the typical spare sheet garb of nativity plays can help disguise the lack of leg movement, preventing being shouted at).

Or of course you could just eat the orange and dried fruit, leave the garden intact, and keep the stockpile of cloves for the next 8 year's Christmas cakes. But where's the painful, sticky, window-sill staining fun in that?

Anyhoo, that was much too long, so I'm going.

Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?