Friday, May 21, 2004

Annoyances of the day, number 1: Royal Mail advertising.

Other than the irony of the Royal Mail advertising on Hotmail, it's just downright annoying. They're plugging their Special Delivery Service. They are supposedly showing their ability to get something from A to B better than DHL and alike. But as anyone who has tried using this service will know, that all your £6.95 buys you is a bit of paper. The package sent by Special Delivery may well arrive by 9am the next day, but unfortunately it'll go from A to C, and be found opened and sitting in a puddle.

And as for the slogan "this time it's personal", sorry, "with us it's personal". I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions.

And of course I can't illustrate this, as the banner ad has moved onto something else, and the Royal Mail's website is very, very dead [Blank screen, refreshing elicits occasional fragments of a page, but the graphics won't load. The entire site is reliant on graphics].

AotD 2: This. The Porsche Cayenne. A car that is both ugly and ridiculous. If you're going to buy a Porsche, buy one that fits into the concept of a fast sports car. Not a Land Rover-alike, which is aimed solely at "spends the entire time driving round Georgian terraces" market. Can you imagine anyone buying a Porsche with the intention of clambering round muddy lanes, and squeezing the side into hedges to get past tractors? One-upmanship at it's worst. Why settle for that tippy 4X4 Merc, when you can have the Porsche version? If ever there was a car that deserves to have the thermit reaction occurring on it's bonnet, it has to be this.

Even the name is rubbish. Cayenne, one of the most useless spices known to mankind. What does it do? Adds heat to any dish. That's it, no flavour, just pure heat. Machismo in a jar. Suitable only for show-offs who have no concept of taste. So I suppose it's quite apt for this car.

And according to this, it's also suitable for adulterers. A big car for shallow people [but don't worry it has a "philosophy" to make up for it].

But hey, what would I know, I still call it "porsh", to rhyme with that weird beetroot soup.

It's only just occurred to me. Porsche are stilling using the model number 911. Do they use it in America? Just checked, and the first headline on the US site is "The new 911 is coming". And this time they're using Airbus.

Sorry, was that rather poor taste? Ought to get me a Cayenne then.

So when and where is the new 9/11? Or 11/9/01 if you use the sensible system [ninth of November indeed. Tut]. Apparently the Australian government want it in about September and October. Why? Because the current government look like losing if it's fought on domestic issues, whereas if they can ramp up security and paranoia they might just get re-elected [and they have to have an election fairly soon]. And when's the Olympics? August. So one big terror attack, one round of hysteria, one sorted election.

Of course, I'm not supposed to be saying this, as my mole wouldn't like it [No, not the one on my index finger]. Anyway it's merely the current feeling, and due to nature of it, there aren't going to be any press releases.

Should it be worrying if one finds oneself in an email exchange discussing potential terrorist attacks [1]? I'm going for either hacking the signalling system on the railways in Athens [assuming they have them], in which case one could probably get 3 packed trains colliding before the system shuts down, or a bomb in an area of cramped old hotels and B&Bs (they'd all be full to the gunwales, and security would be focussed on the main events and corporate hotels). And whilst the terrorist is doing that, they may as well make sure they release something nasty, so all the emergency services attending what they think is just a train crash, spread it round the emergency infrastructure in the city. Cue the lockdowns, in an effort to contain whatever it is, which wipes out the ability of the city to cope with any further attacks. Get it right, and all the fleeing VIPs will take it with them.

Either that, or go for something symbolic, like taking out the Parthenon: the original model for all the Western neo-classical societies.

[1] Worrying for one's sanity, not in the sense of worrying what MI6 are going to make of it [Hello BTW, I like your pretty green glass, and your Statue of Liberty spiky bit. And all your satellite dishes are dead handy for finding which way is south when there's no sun and no conveniently mossy trees. Strangely they don't have website (that I can find). But TfL will tell you which buses stop outside (Stops A and C)].

Hmm, no wonder on silly internet tests I come out in the category that usually includes those labelled Criminal Masterminds. But don't worry, I have motivational problems. And I can't do the evil laugh. And cats tend to hiss and dig their claws into me, rather than rest beneath my bejewelled stroking fingers.

Now if that hasn't scared off the readers...
Except I'm now worrying about whether that posting will gain me readers. Maybe I oughtn't to let the voices inside my head take control.


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