Thursday, July 29, 2004
Now I'm confused.
I walk in and find this site on up on the computer: Preparing for emergencies. Trying to figure out who's been looking at it, I scan it wondering what it's actually says. It takes me a while to notice the name at the top is HM Department of Vague Paranoia, and very fleetingly I try remember if there is a government department with that name. Oh hang on, that's not a very positive euphemism-y name, so it can't be real.
I'm still trying to work out why the stuff about zombie attacks and cricket bats didn't register as odd. [Check out the government's response at the bottom of the title page].
Though this whole Disasters Preparedness lark is very odd, isn't it? It sounds like the type of thing that got batted round in the 50s, and which is laughed at today [the type of stuff that suggests, in the event of a communist nuclear attack, hide under the table].
It's so Cold War it's bizarre. I've yet to actually see the leaflet [obviously areas that vote Labour will get it first], but the television ads are quite odd. Not the adverts themselves, merely what they're selling [real site] - a philosophy: With luck (and our booklet), you might live.
One great piece of advise here:
If you are trapped in [post-bomb] debris:
* Stay close to a wall and tap on pipes so that rescuers can hear you
* Do not use matches or lighters in case of gas leaks
Stay close to a wall? Here was I thinking that if you're trapped in debris, you don't really have the option of deciding whether you want to stay close to a wall or not [because you're probably under the wall].
Continuing the bomb theme: If you saw the explosion, stay in the area in a safe place and tell the police what you saw. Safe place? But you just said there might be a second bomb in the area.
I like the way they skilfully use Also, it is always useful to have instead of the spin unfriendly Stockpile.
Strange that nowhere in the "How to Raid Tesco's" section, does it mention stockpiling pain killers, or other way-out enhancers [Well, you would wouldn't you, if you thought you were going to die soon anyway?].
The only problem with looking at the website is that there are no helpful graphics. Where's the aeroplane style safety cartoons? I want pictures of well-groomed, serene-looking people, with blank expressions performing yoga-like exercises on a remarkably intact bomb-victims. I want to see mummy serving cold baked beans to her photogenic children in their neatly fortified basement, as they listen to the radio for news of daddy. I want to see the panicked thrusting hand sticking out of a stampede of people with a big red cross. I want this all in the style of Roy Lichtenstein, only with more pastel colours [RFL].
Cas-Av and B3ta both have more on this quirk of modern life.
While I'm doing stuff that ought to be a forward, here's a little link that was forwarded, as I wrote this. [From someone purporting to be part of the World Wide Wonderland. You can bet all the staff were dead chuffed when that phrase started appearing on the end of all their emails].
And why is the good stuff on so late? Last night I watched The Chain [no, not some Channel 5 thing that involves bondage, some crap reality TV thing, or a film with the Governator of California and many guns]. It's a 1984 film about the chain of people buying houses, and all moving on the same day. I'd seen part of it before, and now wonder why I didn't watch the rest of it. Being British, it's full of "Oh, it's him" moments, and has some stunning actors in it. The script, once the actors figure out how to play some of the characters, is brilliant. Unfortunately I can't enthuse about the best bits as that would give away part of the plot (such as there is). [IMDB, BBC Four].
Oh, apparently it reflects the 7 deadly sins. Must have missed that analogy. But it's just a stunning, wonderful, and rather wry film, which is [knowingly] excruciatingly painful in parts. But I was just amused by there being a pecking order of removal firms - low down the scale it's borrowed cars, and motorbike sidecars, then onto self-drive vans, the local firm and the no-name brand, beyond these it hits the heights of Pickfords, which is surmounted by A&N [House of Fraser], and all of which is trumped by Harrods.
There are some brilliant lines in it - such as desperately describing a house in Knightsbridge as "abuts Belgravia borders", and a infuriatingly pedantic father being described thus "he doesn't need anything, he doesn't need a pocket calculator, he is a pocket calculator". Hmm, not really doing it justice, as much of the humour is contextual, so it's more pursed lips and wrinkled eyes than roaring with laughter. But then it was written by Jack Rosenthal, and I suppose you would have to be quite quick-witted to cope with being Maureen Lipman's husband.
Basically, if you get the chance, watch it.
Anyhoo,
I walk in and find this site on up on the computer: Preparing for emergencies. Trying to figure out who's been looking at it, I scan it wondering what it's actually says. It takes me a while to notice the name at the top is HM Department of Vague Paranoia, and very fleetingly I try remember if there is a government department with that name. Oh hang on, that's not a very positive euphemism-y name, so it can't be real.
I'm still trying to work out why the stuff about zombie attacks and cricket bats didn't register as odd. [Check out the government's response at the bottom of the title page].
Though this whole Disasters Preparedness lark is very odd, isn't it? It sounds like the type of thing that got batted round in the 50s, and which is laughed at today [the type of stuff that suggests, in the event of a communist nuclear attack, hide under the table].
It's so Cold War it's bizarre. I've yet to actually see the leaflet [obviously areas that vote Labour will get it first], but the television ads are quite odd. Not the adverts themselves, merely what they're selling [real site] - a philosophy: With luck (and our booklet), you might live.
One great piece of advise here:
If you are trapped in [post-bomb] debris:
* Stay close to a wall and tap on pipes so that rescuers can hear you
* Do not use matches or lighters in case of gas leaks
Stay close to a wall? Here was I thinking that if you're trapped in debris, you don't really have the option of deciding whether you want to stay close to a wall or not [because you're probably under the wall].
Continuing the bomb theme: If you saw the explosion, stay in the area in a safe place and tell the police what you saw. Safe place? But you just said there might be a second bomb in the area.
I like the way they skilfully use Also, it is always useful to have instead of the spin unfriendly Stockpile.
Strange that nowhere in the "How to Raid Tesco's" section, does it mention stockpiling pain killers, or other way-out enhancers [Well, you would wouldn't you, if you thought you were going to die soon anyway?].
The only problem with looking at the website is that there are no helpful graphics. Where's the aeroplane style safety cartoons? I want pictures of well-groomed, serene-looking people, with blank expressions performing yoga-like exercises on a remarkably intact bomb-victims. I want to see mummy serving cold baked beans to her photogenic children in their neatly fortified basement, as they listen to the radio for news of daddy. I want to see the panicked thrusting hand sticking out of a stampede of people with a big red cross. I want this all in the style of Roy Lichtenstein, only with more pastel colours [RFL].
Cas-Av and B3ta both have more on this quirk of modern life.
While I'm doing stuff that ought to be a forward, here's a little link that was forwarded, as I wrote this. [From someone purporting to be part of the World Wide Wonderland. You can bet all the staff were dead chuffed when that phrase started appearing on the end of all their emails].
And why is the good stuff on so late? Last night I watched The Chain [no, not some Channel 5 thing that involves bondage, some crap reality TV thing, or a film with the Governator of California and many guns]. It's a 1984 film about the chain of people buying houses, and all moving on the same day. I'd seen part of it before, and now wonder why I didn't watch the rest of it. Being British, it's full of "Oh, it's him" moments, and has some stunning actors in it. The script, once the actors figure out how to play some of the characters, is brilliant. Unfortunately I can't enthuse about the best bits as that would give away part of the plot (such as there is). [IMDB, BBC Four].
Oh, apparently it reflects the 7 deadly sins. Must have missed that analogy. But it's just a stunning, wonderful, and rather wry film, which is [knowingly] excruciatingly painful in parts. But I was just amused by there being a pecking order of removal firms - low down the scale it's borrowed cars, and motorbike sidecars, then onto self-drive vans, the local firm and the no-name brand, beyond these it hits the heights of Pickfords, which is surmounted by A&N [House of Fraser], and all of which is trumped by Harrods.
There are some brilliant lines in it - such as desperately describing a house in Knightsbridge as "abuts Belgravia borders", and a infuriatingly pedantic father being described thus "he doesn't need anything, he doesn't need a pocket calculator, he is a pocket calculator". Hmm, not really doing it justice, as much of the humour is contextual, so it's more pursed lips and wrinkled eyes than roaring with laughter. But then it was written by Jack Rosenthal, and I suppose you would have to be quite quick-witted to cope with being Maureen Lipman's husband.
Basically, if you get the chance, watch it.
Anyhoo,
