Thursday, June 23, 2005

MorphHands up, who wants to be shot first?

There's nothing quite like being rung up to find out the best way to get by train to Woodward Road in Dulwich simply because one's mother is on a train and is as usual controlling the lives of everybody in the carriage. Her reasoning: I've got an A-Z.

The logic of mothers, eh?

So breaking away from what I was doing (which was getting annoyed with Flickr), I look up Woodward Road in Dulwich. Google has helpfully adapted their map to include the rest of the world (it doesn't actually function, as it's purely for show) and somehow managed to turn off the auto-homing feature which used to notice I was in the UK. Now it shows me America, and every search leads to "We could not understand the location Woodward Road, Dulwich/Dulwich/London/UK". Ok, I'm exaggerating, as London does bring up the southwest corner of Parliament Square (surely it should be Hyde Park Corner?) and UK brings a cluster in some godforsaken corner of Kansas (aren't they all?).

Eventually, having confirmed that the nearest Woodward Road is in Dagenham, I abandon the epitome of technological advancement and reach for a book., no, no, nope, er, no.
Oh there's one with an E.
But where's SE22?
That's probably way out in Kent.
Page 104 6E.
North Dulwich.
I don't think the film director was spelt with an E, mother (and why does she expect me to know that anyway? All I know about him was there was some Tim Burton film about him, which I haven't seen, and which probably wouldn't have shown on MaterRadar).
Follow the line.
Page 87.
London Bridge.
Or to Waterloo if one changes in Peckham. Hmm, loitering in Peckham... Maybe not.
waterloo to north dulwich.
Who thought bright green on white was a good colourscheme for text boxes?
Yes, of course I mean the proper Waterloo.
I did. Look, you've already got 18:30 selected.
Hmm, changes: 2.
Waterloo East to London Bridge (or Jubilee, or just walk it), then North Dulwich.
London Bridge to North Dulwich.
Every ten minutes-ish.

Ring mother.
Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, click.
Welcome to the Orange answerphone.
Phone rings.
Battery died? People on carriage woken by your painfully loud phone? My, you do surprise me.
Ok, there's a Woodward with an E near North Dulwich. Trains are from London Bridge so either take the Jubilee or go cross over to Waterloo East.
No, there's not any other Woodwards. The nearest is Dagenham.
Yes, yes, no. North Dulwich, mother [Oh dear, using "mother"; I must be getting annoyed].
Not Dulwich Village, North Dulwich.
[I think the person my mother is repeating all this to is getting confused, by the accent on the faint voice I'd guess she was Chinese, and by the sounds of it has "Woodward Road, Dulwich Village" written on a bit of paper; so anything which isn't that is confusing her].
Either go from London Bridge, or from Waterloo, and change in Peckham; so go to London Bridge.
You know how. Jubilee or train from Waterloo East.
Got that?
Right. Bye.

Why didn't I just text her the number for National Rail Enquiries? (apart from the fact they make it up as they go along). And it's nice to know my mother thinks I haven't got anything better to do with my time.

Other stuff:
Why are ice cubes called that? They're not cubic. One cross section is oblong, the other two trapezoid.
What's the difference between being groped and being fondled? The aforethought or the malice?
So, just how many ways are there to spell Plasticine? Google says (results in Ghits):
Plastacine - 776
Plastecine - 1,640
Plasticine - 129,000
Plastocine - 71
Plastacene - 140
Plastecene - 78
Plasticene - 16,500
Plastocene - 106
And that's not even getting into Plastiscene (which does sound like it ought to be a latex fetish site) and its ilk.

So it's not just me who has problems knowing which is the TMed version?

Oh, and thank the Lord; one of my neighbours apparently has just taken possession of a drum kit.

Can anyone remember how you get the toluene bit?


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