Wednesday, December 07, 2005

2005-11-05 Greenwich 035Sorry for not posting in a while; a mixture of work and not quite being sure what to write about. Work has stymied anything beyond work happening (heck, I even passed up the chance of booing George Galloway on the Climate Change march, because I was to busy to go in the first place) and writing about work would send you to sleep, much like the way doing the work actually has (but then I had been doing work in the place of sleeping the past couple of nights before).

Anyway, there's not much to say about it even if I wanted to. So moving on. The signs for the London Evening Standard* were busy proclaiming "Robbie Williams 'I'm not gay'". Obviously one for the "I think I've missed something" pile. A bit like reading the rear page of the man opposite's newspaper to discover that "George Best played for the Jews". Is that more or less newsworthy than playing for the other side?

To explain, it was from Jews of the World, by which I mean I can't remember the name of the paper, but it looked like a tabloid, but had "Jew" in every headline. That paper must really love pregnant people and surface condensation of atmospheric water vapour.

One thing about being in London, and especially using public transport here, is that one does get many opportunities to guess the niche of the paper or pamphlet being read from the headlines (or the unrecognisable symbols - sometimes it's hard to get even the continent). See if you can guess:
"O'Hanrahanrahan hits the big time"
"JEWel comeback tour"
"There still is to be no news whatsoever yah"
"Poppadom preach"
"Congo can go"
"In June the snow lies deep in Helsinki"
"Cerise chiffon passé?"
"Nazarbayev suing Kazaa"
"Diminuendo fading out?"
"Murdoch bestest boss in the whole wide world"
"Backlash against the backslash"
"Sun uses pun"

And the answers are: Dyslexia Weekly or Thereabouts - for those who had problems with "banana"; Still Going - lest we forget; Norvegan Mockery; Cooking Madonna; Basement Jaxx Tour News; Junior Espionage; Fabric - not just a nightclub; Over their heads - the Chronicle of Missed Jokes; Be Sharp Magazine; The Times; Mud Prints for Luddites; The Journal of Headline Writing.

Ok, so maybe some of those are made up, but one does see the daftest things in the most completely obscure papers. And they are more interesting that trying to guess what newspaper the ill-looking guy in glasses with trendy glasses is reading (Always the Gruaniad, which today was being given away. First line in G2 "The Royal Welch Guards...". If they're healthier looking, and usually annoyingly good looking, but rude, then it'll be the Telegraph).

Azuric, if you were having problems getting Googlisms to work because it couldn’t think of anything for "London Dan is", then try "Allah is". Woman beside me earlier spent the entire journey reading these outloud very slowly. It's probably highly offensive to think this, but I was left with curious memories of playing "the Parson's cat", and wondered when we were going to get onto the next book in the learn-to-read scheme, "Bill does".

* For just £5 a month you can be an accredited member of the Institute of Self Servicing Meritless Certifications. For a one off payment of £59.99 you can get your London Evening Standard today. The ISSMC are also proud to offer instant Batchelor's degrees from the University of Harvenix (requires hot water. Buy four and get a free Cup-a-soup mug**+***). Call today for a quote on +234 419 710 77345.

* Alternative punchline: low. Why do think people leave it behind when they get off the train?
** This doesn't work if you don't know the brand. Such is life.
*** Which reminds me. Those slightly creepy "hug in a mug" adverts for the aforementioned soup. That the Darkness video with the bizarre Hawkins being dried by a large furry monster which is all arms. Chicken, egg, plagiarism?

And how long did it take them to come up with that slogan? Do they have a pile of prepared taglines for which they're just waiting for the right company? Want to open a sauna in a rugby club? How about "Thug in a fug"? Does your company treat canine incontinence? We've got just the thing for you - "Plug in a pug". Make pickled molluscs? "Slug in a jug". Treat aural infections? "Bug in a lug". Carpet testing facilities? "Tug in a rug".

Of course, I don't think I've ever actually used lug or lughole to mean ear, but it's just one of those thing that come on useful occasionally for still not quite completely a crossword. And I couldn't think of a use for lug, other than the verb (which I use far more frequently than the noun), and that would only really go with tug as "lug in a tug", but tug the verb is a synonym for lug, so it would be a bit odd to say "lug [to carry or move] in a tug [boat which moves ships, but which can also mean to pull]". Which also leave me with flea-ridden soft furnishings, or a wig in an American VW Beetle.

I would have put another asterisk, but I'm wondering whether I need to start using a Roman numeral based system, and if so, whether I can validly use a tilde as five.

Ok, I've completely forgotten where I was going with this, and the post has far to many individual elements to make any sense (BTW, never correct someone when they say the atomic weight of oxygen is 8. It's easier to leave them confusing people).

So, as a recent Ghit said I shall bid you "adie".


PS. The question the search asked was "how to bid French people adie?". I'm sure there's some joke to be made out of this, but Kate Adie does seem to have enough comic potential at the moment. Anyway, the word is "adieu", originally meaning something like "to God", but now "Goodbye". Oh, and cunningly it's a French word, so you might just be able to use it to bid adieu to real, actual French people, although direct translations such as "bon achat" may also used.

Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?