Thursday, March 01, 2007

Polyglot packagingFulfilling the stereotype, I noticed an entry on one of the Guardian's blogs [it's vanished so here's the Londonist thing it linked] about this year's entries in the Eurovision Song Contest and was bored enough to plough into the Youtubed mire. Not only does previewing the entries eliminate most of the point of the Eurovision, which is to watch in ever mounting awe (largely in the old fashioned sense), noting musical influences (often through singing the words to that ripped off), suppressing sniggers at the highly rehearsed impromptu moves, and trying to guess which countries have a local Wogan (that and avoiding asking "is that a country now?"), but it simply extends the agony. Predictions so far: the continent will experience a spike in electricity demand during the Polish entry as most of the audience puts the kettle on or goes to the loo. This year's Ye Gods Award will go to Ireland, whose entry may cause Wogan to collapse into a coma unable to unpatriotically lampoon what ought to be a nil-pointser except it'll gain the pisstake vote (can you tell Ireland don't want to win the bankrupting ordeal?).

And seeing this year's Israeli entry is a cover of the Sugababes' Push the Button (well, the highly phlegmed Hebrew bit might be), albeit using the Mushrum Kloud remix version, and so is unlikely to gain the Iranian vote (what's the betting they'll be in it by 2010?), what other songs lurk out there? Greece could do drawn inspiration from the theme to the Italian Job with The Cyprus Adoration Society, Malta could do Boom banga bang and never forgiven you for it, France could do I want to teach the world to sing: en français, naturellement, the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia (the one not in Greece) could do Neighbours (yeah, ok, half the continent could do that with One Big Country/Many Little Countries as a B-side), Moldova could do Over Here, No, Down a Bit and we could do Don't Mention the War (whichever one you choose).

But moving on: genes for jeans. I apparently have the wrong ones, because I cannot find a pair of jeans which are not repulsive in the extreme or fit so badly that I look like a MC Hammer tribute act. Even the astoundingly boring M&S stuff induces such a abominable degree of abdominal crushing that I end up thinking peanut butter on kippers is a good idea. And before any of you suggest I might be trying on the wrong size, the M&S 34 slinked downwards yet the 32 was a misaligned corset, although the 31 and 33 inch inside legs both were the same length, so I guess the makers have mislaid their vacuum packed two-hundred-and-ninety-nine-million-seven-hundred-and-ninety-two-thousand-four-hundred-and-fifty-eighth of a second of light.

But getting away from the tear inducing (that's as in liquid not rent asunder) jeans - the lachrymosery was swiftly cured by being classed as a 32 in Gap (I know they are probably just outpsyching me by using a generous cut, but it works as long as I don't remember I used to be an unbuyable 30) - I just want some that aren't hideous or which make me look likewise. Thanks to the enduring whimmery of an industry which thought reinvention too taxing and so which settled on the eternal accessorising of the wheel, it seems nigh on impossible to buy just jeans. Trousers made of demin cannot now be bought without smiley faces on the pockets, whiskers round the genitals (medically known as the "crotchal area") or artistically engineered fur-lined ventilation holes (those I already have combine trends by having ventilation holes in the crotchal area). It would also be nice if they were not cut for those who have suffered vastly more gravity than I have and hence did not look like blue jodhpurs.

And yet I refuse to believe that the more callipygian among us are either expected to submit to distressing pre-stressed flammery (coffee-stains are very now) or look like a half-launched spinnaker (or both). While I may not be the purest paragon of pulchritude (ooh nice, if only I could learn to say the last word without finding myself saying "putridtude") the sideview of my thighs and buttocks is more a P than the D, B or O apparently used as a model by most shops. Is the obesity epidemic really so bad that now even adult clothing comes with room to grow?

I tried to get all 2.0 and so found a video which told me I need a low-rise bootcut as well as why the wider woman should not tuck, but I'm not sure I want to take advice from a man who is such an ardent devotee of the attention grabbing use of complementary colours that his skin is enhanced to bring out his blue eyes (do I need to add a "think about it" or have you got there?). And what counts as low rise anyway? Because on me all trousers sit with the top of the waist band just below the top of my hip bone, and yet some people are odd enough to wear the waist at the waist or, odder still, think it should be supporting the mons pubis or otherwise girding their loins (always great to see them try to run up escalators).

So once more I turn to you, dear, faithful, occasionally deranged readers. Where do you get yours? Because I just want something fairly simple and not even the most boring and therefore reliable shop on the high street does them any more (and by the looks of things, mostly the novel interpretation of stitching, Burton's current stock probably will not survive for the best part of a decade unlike those I currently have on). So any ideas for where to get jeans that look like jeans and fit like jeans? Actually, opening it up a bit more, what defines if a pair of jeans fit (yes, this is me wondering if I've missed the memo telling me they're meant to look like that).

But enough of this because I'm fairly sure none of you will say anything (barring the one who invariably finds something to say regardless of how mundane the post). However a random fault in the digital transmission last weekend meant I saw part of BBC News 24's technology programme, which included a section of time wasting websites of the week. One is which Ronseally lets one tap out the rhythm of a song and it will tell you what it is. Presumably the point of it is that it helps if one cannot remember the name, but it's mildly diverting even if you can.

But only on the third attempt did it recognise the second song I tried (the first was Tom's Diner). I'm not sure if it keeps the midi files of the attempts after I've left the site but in case it does, here's the first it recognised. Can you tell what it is yet? Here's the answer, which it only got after I dropped the final line which proved too convoluted for something in the finger, aged spacebar, chunter-prone computer, the internet in general, their site and interpretative software chain.

I've just noticed the other results include the Raiders of the Lost Ark and There's No Business Like Show Business, which suggest it just grabs popular names and flings a few out in the hope of one will be right.

And as my lack of musicality is once more too apparent, I'm stopping (just as soon as I get it to give me a Vega).


PS. Just checked TD by SV was in the database: their version sounds like they're avoiding copyright issues. And I did one that sounds like the song yet it still thinks it's either Mariah Carey or Lilly Allen.

Good God just buy a pair!
Jeans aren't meant to fit well, they're meant to be jeans.
Remember the Levis Anti-fit campaign?
Infact please come here and let me come shopping with you. The urge is growing.
Have you tried Topman? My current pair are from there and have lasted over a year or so now without falling apart. And I'm a partial floor dragger. Although to be fair they tend to slip down my waist as the denim stretches which isn't my fault. I'm a 30 and so are they...apparently.

I'm surprised GAP didn't have a decent pair.
I'm thinking of where to suggest but it depends on what kind of jeans you want. Colour? For everyday wear? The style of jeans my dad would wear or the kind i'd wear? Actually I guess the style would be the same, give or take a few on-purpose tears and fadedness. It's more how I'd wear them compared to my dad.

medically known as the "crotchal area")
What? I assure you that's the correct Azurical...I mean...Medical term!

WV: fwnfboku - Swahili for?
What you want to be my personal style consultant in a occasionally queer eye for the not exactly straight guy way? Except I'm worried you'll dress me up like one of Hadouken.

I think it's just I'm out of practice and stuck somewhere where I'm more likely to see a man wearing mustard coloured cords than jeans so have nothing to inspire me or to crib ideas from. Hence I don't actually know what I want, thus finding it is a bit hard. Therefore I'm guessing that as introductory experiences go, getting you to scream with frustration in the middle of Oxford Circus might not be a good idea.

Colour: jeans colour. Dark blue, indigo-ish, but not too dense or vibrant. Probably about the tone of the first two here (Google denies there's a UK site), but without the "look, here are my genitals" lines. The pairs I was looking at in the shop were all labelled just "rinse".

Just noticed the US GAP site has the different styles listed followed by "fashion jeans" thereby suggesting the above are nothing to do with fashion. Cunning.
Believe me, if anyone would be Hadouken!-ifed, it wouldn't be you(Oh, so you do read my blog btw).

Mustard coloured cords? They could be very "now". Are they bright yellowy mustard? Very Mika. Wouldn't mind a pair myself.

Both of those GAP examples are nice! There is no UK site actually, shitty GAP. And what's wrong with the crotchal lines? That's part of the style. And it looks good. Plus, how can people being drawn to that region be a bad thing?
Why wouldn't it be me and who would it be? (Yes. So? I only tend to comment on stuff I think I can add to).

Very Mika? Very Midhurst more like. You envisage them on ironically hip fifteen year olds and I see them on overweight fifty year olds, hence I think I'm likely to been seen as copying the latter not the former.

Crotchal lines: it's the idea of walking round wearing something which proclaims "come get some [or, you know, not]" which just feels a little tacky. I know it's not that hard to find people willing to delve beneath the denim so why advertise needlessly? They know what's there.

Plus if I'm going to have go faster stripes I'd prefer they reflected me; my brother's jeans bear witness to his habitual pocket possessions to an eerie degree.
It could be you. If you'd let me. But it'd be me first. And I didn't think Hadouken would be your style.

"Ironically hip fifteen yearolds". Haha, why the irony?
And fair point.

Crotach lines: Is that what you immediately think when you see people wearing jeans with them?

And not all jeans have them. Okay so mine do but they're not that obvious. Just go have a look at Topman or GAP again. And this time don't leave till you've bought a pair.

Now, how are you for shirts?
I don't think I've Hadoukenable hair. I'm also fairly sure I could find some 80s neon (whatever happened to day-glo?) clothing from the first time round.

Irony: because it seems to be the fashion to declare all fashion ironic. It's this silly idea that something can be so daggy that it's cool.

Crotchal lines: you know how you get stripy flowers or rows of lights before you get to the runway? Same idea. Either they're trying hard to draw attention to the zip or they're trying to suggest something.

Yes, sir. Not quite right away, sir.

Hmm, just read that as shorts, which I do also need (having snagged the by now very thin seat in my aged Gap khaki things and had the repair fall apart).

Which type of shirts? Going out shirts I don't really need though cunningly not actually going out and suit shirts are usually limited to M&S's +2" range but minus all those with blue in (out of the current 8, that leaves a ghastly wide checked pink and a just white).
Hadoukenable hair: Im sure we could do something with it. They do sell neon hair-dye right? And nice verbage! "Hadoukenable", I'm going to have to put that into circulation.

Crotchal lines: On my daily vanity sesh in the lift (it's the only place with a full length mirror) this morning I was checking out my crotchal markings and I really dont see what the fuss is about. It's just the pattern of the rinse and I really don't think that's what everyone thinks about when they see people wearing them.

I want proof of purchase.

I hate shorts. 'Cos I cant wear them. Stupid skinny legs.
And please tell me your shorts are knee-length at the least, and not like the hideous ones that P(aedophlic).E. Teachers make you wear.

8 shirts, 6 of which have blue in. Whilst I'm liking the colour favouritism, we need to get you ones with differernt colours. I fell in love with this amazing one in Topman - Bright red, with thin white stripes vertically. It was soo nice.

Anyway, speaking of clothing, I have to go wash mine. And then the dishes.
I meant my hair won't do emo straight.

Crotchal lines: if trousers are going to have wear marks I'd rather they reflect how I've worn them.

Aye aye skip[py the butch kangaroo - spot the typo left in].

Shorts: I have skinny legs. But I have skinny everything. Of working pairs I have:
- the coastal biology field trip pair which are not intended for public consumption and show a large amount of thigh.
- the very thick now very faded Helly Hansen pair which come to just above the knee.
- and a pair which are more cropped trousers coming to just below the knee and which make the back of my knees very sweaty - thus removing the point of wearing shorts while not being as warm as trousers when you'd want them to be.

Er... sorry, must have phrased it badly. I was complaining about M&S's current range which is 75% blue. I do not wear blue. If I do I look like death warmed up, only without much of the warming going on.
Mine neither annoyingly. Still wavey hair is better than the ringlet curls I used to have when I was a baby before it was all shaved off in a Hindu ceremony for new-born baby boys.

What's wrong with blue?! It cant seriously make you look that bad. There are so many shades.

Everyone needs a bit of blue in their lives.
Isn't it strange how curly hair is never fashionable for men? Which sort of suggests fashion is just a tad lacking in imagination and thus not all that worth worrying about.

Unfortunately mine never grew out of being curly, although it did stop being blond (and then over compensated for its earlier blondness).

Blue is evil. The bluest area of my face is the bags under my eyes. When I where blue these become more noticeable - not a good look.

I do have things which verge on teal but navy blue buries me at sea and royal blue suggests beheading would be an improvement. And azure is just too bright.
I know. Fashion's meant to change but curly hair has never come into it with guys. I can't think of one model pic I've seen with a curly haired guy. Wavey is cool though, and strangely my hair is now a couple of inches long and surprisingly straight. It's weird how it changes in it's self.

Is that why you have it short now (which looks really good btw)?
You could always indulge in a pair of GHD's. But I hate having to faff with all that now. Get-up and go hair is so much easier. Thank god for the "out of bed" look.

"Blue is evil" *Gasps*. Take it back. Take it back now!
I was about to ask when you'd seen my hair (it needs cutting yet again having taken on that wondrous Victorian curling out over the ears look) and then remembered the power of the internet.

Hair straighteners? They'd never have been invented if hair had nerves.

Take it back? No. Qualify? Perhaps. Blue is evil next to my face.
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