Anyhoo (yes "anyway" was already taken).

I'm beginning to feel as if the next thing I'll do is put on a bowler hat full of water.

Goshikins vexes me. He said something, I said something, he changes what he said, I look stupid. And most annoyingly, I've realised the problem with calling him Goshikins is that it is very hard to get cross with someone called that. Can you imagine a mother in the middle of a supermarket angrily saying "Goshikins Cyclisme Freaktadpole, come here now"? Can you?

Yes actually, although it depends on the supermarket. But people round here have a penchant for the unique (read daft). In Tesco's it's Kaysea Jodie Lillibet Thwackface; Sainsbury's Tallulah Butterscotch Granger; Waitrose Claudia Gunhild St John-Fauntleroy"; and in M&S one never hears the name, as the parents just don't give a shit.

Whilst seeking out a suitably obscure Old English name, I flicked through Wikipedia's list of kings at random, alighting on Harthacanute. With a name like that, the wife's has to be good. Ah, no wife. Mother then. Mother, wife of Canute: Emma. Not very obscure. Æthelred the Unready then. Married the same Emma. This isn't going too well. Female names of the era come down to the familiar (Edith, Maud) versus the unpronounceable (Ælfgifu, Świętosława).

I've lost where I was going with this. Probably ought to stop then.

Anyhoo,

PS. Does this mean we're going to have to wellcome Goshikins here soon? But where will he get all his "noble Englishman braving the natives" anecdotes from?